I’m Okay

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about”

– Haruki Murakami

It has been 2 years. I was fighting a war inside my head every single day. I was exhausted. I never thought I would be able to survive it. Everything was damaged, family, health, friends, the future, myself, especially myself, or so I thought. People ask me “Was it easy?”, “Was it worth it?”. Nothing is ever easy, yet we still strive to survive and with that mindset, I think, yes. It is worth it.

I lost friends, but should I consider them my friends if they left when the storm struck? Making progress isn’t a walk in the park. Waking up and getting out of bed was the hardest. There were good days and there were bad days. Yes, I relapsed from time to time but on most days, I managed. Then I realized I wasn’t getting out of bed just to make progress anymore. I wanted to. I wanted to live again, not to merely exist in this world.

Thinking back, pain made me stronger. I wouldn’t be me without my past. I’ll be alright. Like they said “Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

Everything fixes slowly.

I fix last, but that’s okay. I got out of bed. I can do the rest.

WHY?

 

Two people in love,

Cursed by heavens above.

Our love is so strong,

But for them it is wrong.

 

What is it they don’t understand?

Aren’t we under the upper hand?

I thought love has no limitations,

That it can pass through any nations.

 

Well maybe I was wrong,

That we could keep this for too long.

They would know sooner or later,

Not expecting to have this many haters.

 

Should we stop our love that is blooming?

And just end it like the flowers wilting?

But darling don’t mind their hate,

Because true love does not discriminate.

 

-The Girl Who Cries Inside

Quality over quantity,

Choose your friends wisely.

You were my best friend,

Your dignity I used to defend.

 

Talking about someone’s flaws,

Stating stories you don’t know.

Is this what you call friendship?

Well sweetheart this is what I call bullshit.

 

I know everything,

Don’t pretend you know nothing.

There is one thing you should know about me,

I can be your worst enemy as can be.

 

Insecurity kills,

Better run for the hills.

Backstabbing is your talent,

When are you going to lament?

 

Doing things just for fame,

Don’t you feel ashamed?

I know for a fact,

My trust in you now lacks.

 

You like to live dangerously?

I will make you pay mercilessly.

My patience is already hanging,

I know I will be the last one laughing.

 

CHANGED

 

 

 

I once knew a girl,

 

But her actions make me hurl.

 

She was so pretty and smart,

 

But nobody could take her heart.

 

 

 

Once innocent and young,

 

Never thought it would be gone for long.

 

Her innocence was taken,

 

Then a beast inside her was awakened.

 

 

 

Heart-breaking for her part,

 

She thought everything was perfect from the start.

 

Not knowing what was to come,

 

Such a shame on what she had become.

 

 

 

Her life was spent on partying and booze,

 

She did not care what she could lose.

 

Love meant nothing but a four-lettered word,

 

But it pierces on her heart like a very sharp sword.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’ll play with your heart,

 

Thinking she’s in love with you from the start.

 

She’s the queen of her game,

 

Trying to find a player who knows how to do the same.

 

 

 

Wickedly manipulative,

 

Loves to play with people’s lives.

 

Be careful for karma will come to you,

 

And we all know what it could do.

 

 

 

She felt alone,

 

For her she was never known.

 

People only cared for her body,

 

Because for them it was a trophy.

 

 

 

People may think that she’s genuinely happy,

 

But underneath that mask is a crying baby.

 

She kept hiding under her tough façade,

 

Thinking that maybe she is going mad.

 

 

 

Look into her eyes,

 

And see the truth behind those lies.

 

She was never strong,

 

Don’t know how she could act for so long.

 

 

 

Knowingly she will break,

 

From all this madness that she couldn’t take.

 

Nobody knows what is going inside her head,

 

Because nobody understood the hints that she said.

 

 

 

If she could only talk,

 

To ask someone to help her walk.

 

She thinks nobody can be trusted,

 

For only her body the boys have lusted.

 

 

 

She knows plenty don’t like her,

 

Since she has a lot of haters.

 

Her attitude was a problem,

 

But she doesn’t care about them.

 

 

 

She surrounded her heart with walls,

 

Trying to find someone with balls.

 

Nobody dared to climb those steep steps,

 

So nobody could hear her cries for help.

 

 

 

But love knows no bounds,

 

Yet she kept herself to the ground.

 

Admittedly she fell in love,

 

The witnesses are the heavens above.

 

 

 

Just when she found someone,

 

She realized that she can’t be the one.

 

Her days are shortening,

 

Life for her is almost ending.

 

 

 

Now this is my story,

 

And I am here to say that I’m sorry.

 

For all the things that I have done wrong,

 

Never expecting this poem would be so long.

 

 

 

To end this properly,

 

I have been motivating to be better lately.

 

I am going to die,

 

This is my final goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My side of the story.

One of the reasons why I hate people when they suddenly judge you if they know you cut is because I also cut myself. I am not writing this down so that you will all take pity of me. I just want you to understand. Well, have you ever felt so much pain that you can’t feel anything at all? You only feel emptiness. Void of any emotions. Numb. Like you’re nothing. Just a hollow space living inside a cold, empty shell. Well this is how I feel. Empty.

                The reason I cut is because I just want to feel something. An indication that I am still alive. And feeling pain lets me know that I am still human. Or maybe I am already in hell? Who knows? I can’t really see the difference. I know. I know.  It’s not logical. It’s irrational, even. But this is my side of the story. What’s yours?

TheGirlWhoCriesInside

Suicide.

Are you really weak if you commit suicide? Why? There are reasons why people commit suicide every day. Some are just so fed up with bullshit that they just want to end their life. Pain. Pain is the reason why people do this kind of things. When I hear people say that she only cuts herself to gain attention, I always want to punch them in the face. Fuck them. What do they know? Nothing. Well maybe for the persons who cut themselves and posts pictures of it in Facebook, then yeah. They are just attention-seeking whores. The real people who cut are those who feel immense pain that they think that death is their last resort.

You shouldn’t judge them. Just listen. Hear their screams for somebody to listen. Not to give any advice, but just to listen to them talk for hours about their life and how miserable it is for them. Then prove to them that death is not the only option. That cutting will not help them to be healed. Because sometimes, emotional pain is much stronger than the physical pain and that is why they don’t feel anything when they cut.

Suicidal people aren’t weak. You say they took the easy way out so they ended their life but do you know what they went through before they made the decision to end their miserable life? No. They chose death because they think that this is the only way to stop the pain. So think again before you judge these people. Are they really wrong? Or Am I?

 

TheGirlWhoCriesInside

Act of Infidelity

Act of Infidelity

This love of ours is very strong,

And yet we have to hide it from everyone.

Cause in their eyes our love is wrong,

And what we did cannot be undone.

 

We try to hide and not let them be aware,

Of what we did that will cause a fight.

Cause when society finds out about this secret affair,

Justice will be brought and given what is right.

 

We fell in love against our will,

We tried to stop but our efforts failed.

We knew our love was going downhill,

But we still pretended that ours will prevail.

 

Guilt will consume us in this reality,

So let’s stop this game and our act of infidelity.

 

-So this sonnet is about an antagonist’s point of view. Well for a change, lets try to see the other side of the story because not all antagonists are unemotional.

 

 

TheGirlWhoCriesInside

The Girl Who Cries Inside

Who am I?

The name’s ****. Too trusting. Builds walls around her heart. Has a swirling pool of emotion underneath her tough interior. Always fake a smile. Forced laughter. Cries herself to sleep. Afraid to commit. Afraid to get hurt. Got hurt too many times before. Been cheated on. Been played with. Despises boys. Manipulative. Nocturnal.  Rebel. Relationship wrecker. Stupid when it comes to love. Always fall for the wrong guy. Depressed. Abused. Taken for granted a lot of times. Doesn’t believe in love. Suicidal. Committed suicide at least 5 times. Once innocent. Became a bitch. A fucked up girl. Living in a fucked up world. Pain is my only solution. Welcome to my fucked up life.

You can’t change me. I only need somebody to UNDERSTAND. Listen to me scream for somebody to notice what I’m really feeling inside. See my cries for help. Help. Me.

Yet you can’t trust nobody. Pretend everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Smile.

 

TheGirlWhoCriesInside

 

Flashback.

I saw that guy again. His presence alone gives me goosebumps. Remembering what happened in the past. Thinking he was a friend. A guy you can rely to in your time of need. And yet he betrayed her. He chose his frat over his close friend. Even though she was shouting for help. Pleading for him to help her. Clinging to him, hoping he would have mercy to help an innocent girl. Hoping that he would save you in the last minute. But what he did was unexpected. He helped him. Helped him tied her. Watched a friend being used. Tortured. Raped. It was brutal. Bloody. Scary. Traumatic.

Everybody forgot about that incident. Everybody but her. The girl who was once so innocent. Changed. Because of that night. And nobody knew. Nobody except for the witnesses. She was no one special. Just a girl he wanted to fuck. He wasn’t used to rejections. So he found a way and did it. Not thinking about the outcome of his doings. But who knows? It was all in the past. No need to dig deeper. Let’s just forget about what happened. Nobody cares anyway. Nobody cares. Nobody.

About the girl? Well, she’s still alive. Alive yet dead at the same time. Wishing she was dead. Pretending to be alright. Trying to forget. Yet the nightmares always remind her of everything. Three years have passed. Many moved on. Except her. Especially her.

TheGirlWhoCriesInside

What is LOVE?

Love. What is it?

For me, love is just a word use by everybody, to fool somebody. True love is when you are willing to sacrifice something for that person. But one indication of being in love is when seeing that person happy, also makes you happy. That feeling you get when you made that person smile. Ever felt the butterflies in your stomach? Now that is what I call love.

But from what I’ve experienced, there is no such thing as love. Love is just a game. A game of falling and breaking. But the thing is, your bones will not be the one broken, but your heart. If you fall so hard and that person will catch you, you are one hell of a lucky person. But if not? Your heart will be broken so hard, you won’t be able to fix them entirely. It won’t be perfect anymore yet you can still mend it. It takes time and space. You will change. There are only two options when you change, for the better or worse. Choose wisely if you are going to take the risk. Well that’s it. Love is a game. If you fall, GAME OVER.

TheGirlWhoCriesInside