Who am I?
The name’s ****. Too trusting. Builds walls around her heart. Has a swirling pool of emotion underneath her tough interior. Always fake a smile. Forced laughter. Cries herself to sleep. Afraid to commit. Afraid to get hurt. Got hurt too many times before. Been cheated on. Been played with. Despises boys. Manipulative. Nocturnal. Rebel. Relationship wrecker. Stupid when it comes to love. Always fall for the wrong guy. Depressed. Abused. Taken for granted a lot of times. Doesn’t believe in love. Suicidal. Committed suicide at least 5 times. Once innocent. Became a bitch. A fucked up girl. Living in a fucked up world. Pain is my only solution. Welcome to my fucked up life.
You can’t change me. I only need somebody to UNDERSTAND. Listen to me scream for somebody to notice what I’m really feeling inside. See my cries for help. Help. Me.
Yet you can’t trust nobody. Pretend everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Smile.
I saw that guy again. His presence alone gives me goosebumps. Remembering what happened in the past. Thinking he was a friend. A guy you can rely to in your time of need. And yet he betrayed her. He chose his frat over his close friend. Even though she was shouting for help. Pleading for him to help her. Clinging to him, hoping he would have mercy to help an innocent girl. Hoping that he would save you in the last minute. But what he did was unexpected. He helped him. Helped him tied her. Watched a friend being used. Tortured. Raped. It was brutal. Bloody. Scary. Traumatic.
Everybody forgot about that incident. Everybody but her. The girl who was once so innocent. Changed. Because of that night. And nobody knew. Nobody except for the witnesses. She was no one special. Just a girl he wanted to fuck. He wasn’t used to rejections. So he found a way and did it. Not thinking about the outcome of his doings. But who knows? It was all in the past. No need to dig deeper. Let’s just forget about what happened. Nobody cares anyway. Nobody cares. Nobody.
About the girl? Well, she’s still alive. Alive yet dead at the same time. Wishing she was dead. Pretending to be alright. Trying to forget. Yet the nightmares always remind her of everything. Three years have passed. Many moved on. Except her. Especially her.
Love. What is it?
For me, love is just a word use by everybody, to fool somebody. True love is when you are willing to sacrifice something for that person. But one indication of being in love is when seeing that person happy, also makes you happy. That feeling you get when you made that person smile. Ever felt the butterflies in your stomach? Now that is what I call love.
But from what I’ve experienced, there is no such thing as love. Love is just a game. A game of falling and breaking. But the thing is, your bones will not be the one broken, but your heart. If you fall so hard and that person will catch you, you are one hell of a lucky person. But if not? Your heart will be broken so hard, you won’t be able to fix them entirely. It won’t be perfect anymore yet you can still mend it. It takes time and space. You will change. There are only two options when you change, for the better or worse. Choose wisely if you are going to take the risk. Well that’s it. Love is a game. If you fall, GAME OVER.
How do you get out of the labyrinth of pain and suffering?
I was reading Looking For Alaska, (one of my favorite books) when this question really intrigued me. How do you get out of the labyrinth? A question everybody asks but nobody has the answer to.
The only thing I can say is that I’ve been living in the labyrinth for too long. For me, maybe death is the only way. Death. A fast and easy escape. I will get out of this labyrinth. Soon. I know i will. Nobody can stop me because I won’t let them. No need for goodbyes, nobody cares anyway. Well maybe they will care when it happens. That’s just how people are, they only care if you’re pretty or DEAD. And this my friends, is the sad reality of life.